Free Dating Advice

We’ve all heard the cliche that “women only date guys who are assholes” or that “nice guys never get the girl”. These statements have mostly been propagated by “nice guys” who are bitter about losing out to some biker with tattoos for the affection of a lady’s heart. While their frustration is understandable, there’s an important lesson to be learned in these statements.

Women have made remarkable progress in our society over the last 100 years. The push to move away from a patriarchal societal structure has been very successful. The problem for all the “nice guys” out there, is that it has perhaps been too successful. To put it another way, the pendulum has swung to the point that some men are beginning to think it’s appropriate to express their “feminine side” or allow their emotions to run rampant.

While society has changed, the type of guy that women want has not changed that much from a fundamental standpoint. Since the beginning of humanity, women have always wanted charismatic, confident men with a good sense of humor. These traits are rooted in their instincts as being innately attractive. The modern day “beta-male” is a new element to society and it’s not something women find attractive from a general standpoint. Thousands of years ago, “beta-males” were not desired because their perceived weaknesses meant they were easy prey (ie: might literally be killed). That’s obviously not a concern anymore, but the instincts to avoid such men are remain to this day.

So how do you be an alpha-male? Luckily, it’s not hard. The #1 tip is to care about yourself more than you care about anyone else. This runs contrary to what some elements of society teach us. Many men were raised by two loving parents in which, frankly, the father was whipped and controlled by the woman. Additionally, our educational structure rewards kids who “fall in line” and do as they are told contrary to their own wishes. It sounds counter intuitive that you should care about yourself more than anyone else, but think about it for a second. Whose needs are more important than your own? Alpha-males realize this and live their lives following this principal. And guess what? The world rewards them for it! They have more money, more women, and more fun.

You might be thinking, “gee, if getting a girl means I have to be an asshole, then maybe I don’t want a girl.” But let me ask you this: since when is placing the priority on one’s own needs the characteristic of an “asshole”? The best thing nice guys of the world could do is stop being so damn nice! People don’t respect it when you’ll allow yourself to be walked on. Stand up for yourself. Develop an identity. Think for yourself and express your opinions. Disagree with people when your instinct is to do so. Be a leader. Laugh. Hell, get into a heated argument. Invite the world to join you on the wonderful ride that is your existence. When you master these things, the process of “getting girls” will take care of itself!

Breaking up is one of the hardest things a person ever has to do. In a break up, you usually still have some feelings for the other person, at least enough that you care about their well-being and don’t want to see them hurt. There are a few ways to go about a break-up. No one way is universally better than the other. You have to choose the method that feels best for you.

Ways to Break Up

Letter or Email

The knee-jerk reaction of breaking up via email is that it’s impersonal or tacky. However, it shouldn’t be viewed in this light. Sending an email allows you to get your full and complete thoughts across and allows the other person ample opportunity to digest these thoughts and formulate their response. This outcome is hard to achieve in a face-to-face encounter.

In Person

Breaking up in person very challenging but can also be very fulfilling. It provides the chance for a more intimate connection that is lost over email. However, it also can lead to fights, tears, and excess heartache. Worst of all, it can lead to some type of persuasion away from your original intents. Before breaking up in person, write down an outline of all the things you want to be sure to convey. It is important that you say everything you want to say and stick to your guns.

General Break Up Tips

Full Communication

Breaking up is the chance to say everything you want to say. It obviously marks a distinctly new direction of the relationship you have with that person. Outline this direction fully. What do you want from the other person? To go your separate ways? To still do a random booty call thing while each of you are in between relationships? To be “just friends”? Whatever it is, make your intentions completely clear to the other person. When the other person knows exactly what you want and expect from them, it will save a lot of time and headache down the road.

Constructive Criticism is Okay

It’s tempting when breaking up with someone to air all of the grievances you have with that person. While full-out criticism isn’t advised, a little loving, gentle constructive criticism is very thoughtful. While they might initially take offense to it, they’ll probably appreciate it down the road. After all, the two of you have spent some time together and can serve as “consultants” of sorts for helping each other improve your dating resume for future relationships. Be open, honest, and loving. Use the “compliment sandwich” model. Example, “Jim, one of the reasons I like you is because of your fun personality, but sometimes it was just a little over-the-top for me. I think you’d be more compatible with a girl who has a higher energy level!”

It’s one of the worst feelings in the dating world: having strong feelings for someone who doesn’t even have you on their radar. How do you get them to feel the same way for you? Is there ever hope that the two of you will be together? The answers to those questions are “it’s really hard” and “probably not”, respectively. I hate to burst your bubble, but if you’ve got it bad for someone else and they don’t seem to even notice you’re in the room, it’s going to be very hard to change that. To be honest, the best thing you could do would be to forget about your feelings.

Alright, since I know that little talk didn’t dissuade you in the slightest, let’s get to work on some things you can do to get them to like you.

Rule #1: Respect Yourself

No one, and I mean no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t respect themselves. Always put your needs first. This means that in all things you do to get the other person’s attention, none of it should come off as desperate or pathetic. The biggest secret to getting someone to like you is to like yourself! Once they see that you like you, they’ll know the coast is clear for them to like you as well. Demonstrate value by thinking for yourself and being honest with how you really feel.

The Ol’ Switch’eroo

If you like someone who doesn’t seem to like you back, it’s possible that it’s only because liking you hasn’t crossed their mind. Confront them with your feelings. No texts or emails. Tell them face to face. A good tip is to “pull the rug out from under them”. Here’s what I mean by that: tell them openly and honestly that you had feelings for them and were interested in dating them, but that you’re moving past that.

First off, they’ll be startled at the realization that you were into them. And secondly, they’ll want to know why you don’t feel that way any longer! People love to feel wanted. Even if they knew you had a thing for them, once you tell them that you’re over it, you’ll be amazed at what they’ll do to get those feelings back! This move will put you in the driver’s seat and have them chasing after you. But it’s important to follow through with your declaration. You can’t say that you’re over your feelings for them, and then 10 minutes later go right back to gazing at them lovingly. Hold your ground, be “just friends”, and let them change the way they think about you.

Avoid the All-At-Once Attempt

The final tip here is to not put all of your eggs in one basket. Getting someone to feel attracted towards you in a process that takes time. It’s like a long, slow dance in which each person gradually moves closer to one other. Don’t try to speed up this process by forcing the issue. This means no sudden lunges to try to kiss them, no out-of-left-field declarations of your true love in front of all your family and friends. Let the process happen naturally and resist the urge to swing for the fences.

Dating during college is a tricky game. Usually you’re limited on discretionary resources. It’s tougher on guys to date while in college than women. Since women are not generally expected to pay for things on dates, that burden falls on the man. And frankly, most guys in college are broke.

My first tip for dating during college is to not do it. Seriously, it’s usually a bad idea. Men and women in college at the same time don’t typically connect well together from a needs standpoint. Men are still broke and in the infancy of developing their identity and careers. Women are young, anxious to experience exciting things, and generally have too high of expectations for what to expect from a partner. Basically the girls want what the guys can’t afford.

College is a pretty unique phase in life. It’s about the only chance you get to spend four years doing very little work and partying the rest of the time without it being too frowned on by society. Embrace this opportunity! You’ve got the rest of your life for seroius, adult-like dating games. As cliche as it sounds, college truly is the time for random hookups, “friends with benefits”, and casual encounters. There’s no need to act like it’s anything more than that.

If you insist on taking the opposite sex seriously during college, avoid the temptation of falling head over heels for the other person. It’s important to remember that each of your lives is currently very different from what it will be in 3-5 years. Sustaining a relationship through these upcoming changes is incredibly challenging. Despite how much you think you’re in love or how much you think you’re the exception, trust me, you’re not. Inevitably one, if not both of you is going to go through a “rebellion” phase where they realize they want some freedom to explore themselves and the world. It might not happen while you’re dating in college. But it will happen; perhaps after you’re already married with kids and up to your eyeballs in debt.

The best thing you could do for yourself and the one you love is to not become too attached to them. More often than not, it will only lead to heartbreak and regret down the road. Build a strong personal identity and career first, then allow yourself to open up to the possibility of “falling in love” and all that good stuff. College isn’t the time for it.

First dates can be pretty stressful for both parties. Typically, neither person knows the other one that well. The anxiety that arises from all of the different nightmare first date scenarios can make for a pretty tense encounter. With all of that in mind, the best first dates are the ones with atmospheres that are most conducive to relaxation.

Good: Meeting for a Drink

This is about the best thing you can do on a first date. It’s low-key and easy to cut the date short if it’s not going well. Additionally, a little alcohol can serve as a great social lubricant to ease the tension. Pick a bar with a relaxed atmosphere though. Lately, “trendy” places have been popping up that are a little pretentious. These “lounges” don’t really lend themselves to having the most relaxed atmosphere. A better choice is a laid-back place that has a patio where you could probably get away with wearing sandals if the weather was accomodating enough.

Bad: Going to Dinner

Sitting down for a meal with someone you barely know is stuffy and too personal. The whole point of a first date is to have a fun, relaxing time with one another. Eat a frozen meal before you go out and save the dinner date for down the road.

Good: Meeting up with Friends

There’s nothing wrong with a first date being an activity with a couple mutual friends. This provides for some flexibility. If you don’t hit it off, you can mask that by interacting more with the group. If things are going really well, you can always ditch the group for some one-on-one time.

Bad: Seeing a Movie

Seeing a movie makes for an awkward first date. You’re sitting quietly in the dark for two hours next to a stranger. Plus, people usually walk away from a movie in a drug-like haze for several minutes because of the movie’s emotional impact. None of this leads for much time to relax and get to know each other.

Bad: Anything Involving Competition

It might seem like a good idea to go bowling or miniature golfing on a first date, but this is ill advised. Dating is about coming together as a team to give each other what you want. Competition gets in the way of this. Even if each person entirely understands that it doesn’t matter who bowls better than who, there will still be some subconscious elements of competition that won’t help the date.

Good: Shopping

Asking a date to meet you at a mall isn’t such a bad idea. You can say something like, “well I really need to pick up some clothes, want to walk around the mall for a little bit with me and give me your opinion on how I look in that big purple sweater?” Shopping is a low-key date that allows for any outcome (good: “let’s go get a drink”, bad: “it was nice meeting you, ciao”).